LESSONS ON DUDES | HOW TO PLAY THE GAME PLUS Q+A
SO. I won't call myself an expert on guys but... I'm pretty damn close. Why? Because I'm basically a dude. My friends (girls and guys alike) would probably agree. When it comes to the way I think and how I act in "relationships" and dating, I am 100% guy (but most guys I've 'dated' probably didn't know to what degree exactly).
I'm here to teach you my ways, young grasshopper. To help you learn to play their game better than they can. Because honestly, it's too easy.
Before we get started, there are some key things you need to remember:
1. Guys are fucking stupid. Yep, I said it. And smart guys out there will agree. Guys are very simple creatures and women are the ones who want to make them complex. So when you're thinking of guys, think of them like a caveman banging two rocks together. It will help you realize that 9 times out of 10 you are probably overthinking it.
2. Remember that YOU (as the girl) have the power. Do you have a vagina? Do you have boobs? Congratulations. Welcome to the two things in this world that men don't have, but really, really love. I don't mean that in a lewd sense, but think about it... anytime you are getting the runaround from a dude, keep in mind that you have what he wants and YOU are in control.
3. Before dating in ANY capacity, you better know yourself and know your damn worth. Knowing yourself helps you better determine what your needs and wants are in a partner. When dating, you need to have a clear cut image of what you are looking for and what your expectations are. This way, when you start dating someone, you can make those expectations clear to them, and they can start meeting them. If they aren't-- then you are wasting your time. But, if you have started off without those expectations being established and are disappointed in the way a guy is treating you, then sorry, sis, but you're the one to blame here.
Ok, now that we have that handled. Let's jump into these questions. I get this kind of stuff ALL. THE. TIME. and I'm honestly not sure why. I'm not some relationship expert. I mean I've done a lot of casual dating, I've had a few serious relationships, etc. but shit... I've been single for the past two years. So I found it kind of funny that people asked me these questions. Until I realized that it wasn't so much that people were curious about my take on relationships, as it was on how to 'not be in one.' How to be perfectly content with being single, how to drive dudes crazy, how to bounce back after dealing with fuck boys, etc.
So, I opened up the forum on my Instagram, and y'all put me through the ringer (and I loved it).
LET'S GO, BITCHES.
**Please keep in mind that all of my anecdotes are during single periods of my life, I'm not out there cheating on dudes**
Q: Wait, did you seriously have 17 boyfriends at once?
A: LOL fuck no. Are you crazy? How would I ever deal with 17 real boyfriends, I have a hard enough time with one. But, I have always joked about this. My take on my "17 boyfriends" is that you need to establish a 'Dude Roster.' This is your bullpen (for those of you who are sports-challenged, a bullpen is where pitchers who aren't playing hang out and warm up before they're about to enter the game).
The Roster or Bullpen typically consists of these characters (some of which may overlap):
The one who wants to pay for dinners
The one who wants to go out drinking
The one who wants to do “couple shit”
The hot, stupid one
The one you actually like but doesn’t want anything serious
The one who’s way more into you than you’re into him
The one who loves to chat
The annoying AF one
The old one.
The young one.
The dated function one
The unsolicited man-selfie one.
The smarter than you one.
The polar opposite of you one
The one you would never ever tell your friends about
The Roster is extremely important to maintain your IDGAF vibe to dudes. Chances are, within your roster there is a dude or two that you actually want to date. And, chances are, that whenever said dude or dudes aren't texting you back within a millisecond, you go into full blown panic mode. If that millisecond starts to extend to 20, 30, 40, or more minutes, you will undoubtedly hit him with the dreaded double text. And god forbid if you're drunk. You'll probably end up professing your love to him via a four-paragraph text message.
Your Roster is there as a distraction measure. Use it's members wisely. Use them as your buffer so you don't overwhelm your potential future husband (who doesn't know he's your future husband yet).
Q: How do I slide into his DM's without being creepy?
A: I will say I am on EXPERT level when it comes to this
So, the easiest way to slide in a guys DM is a story reply. Duh. But show a little personality here people, don't just send an emoji. That's lame. If he's talking sports, talk a little shit (DISCLAIMER: do not talk about sports if you don't know what you're talking about). Maybe comment on his choice of music when he posts a song. Or if he's on a vacation in a place you love or at your fave restaurant, let him know you love it. But keep it friendly and platonic, not super flirty and forward (I'll explain more on that later).
A few of you asked me specifically for how to DM "harder to reach" individuals. If the person you're trying to talk to is kind of famous (a singer, an athlete, verified, etc) there is tactic to use: At the appropriate time, tag them in your story. Sitting at a game? Tag em. Listening to them on the radio? Tag em. If you're a cute girl (and your profile pic clearly displays this) they will 1000000% at least take a peak at your profile/story. This has worked for me on COUNTLESS occasions. At least half a dozen or more athletes, and a few singers, all because I made the bold move to drop a username into my story at the opportune time.
Q: How to make him realize he needs to put a little more effort in now and then?
A: BE DIRECT. One of the dumbest things we do as females (myself included sometimes) is assume that men either know what we are thinking or can easily read our not-so-subtle hints. If you have an issue with your partners behavior (no matter how small or big), you need to address it. However, you need to do this with tact. Enter into the conversation with a clear cut picture of what you feel is lacking in the relationship and what you need more of from him. Try using "I" statements to express your feelings rather than being accusatory. Ex: "I feel like I may need more attention from you" vs. "You never give me attention." Be very careful with your word choice. Sometimes before "talks" like this, I will literally write out what I want to say, so I'm able to get my point across better.
Moving forward, I VERY highly recommend having both of y'all read The Five Love Languages (or at least take the test). This is one of the best tools you can use in a relationship to help understand how you and your partner give and receive love, and how small changes in your behaviors towards each other can radically change your relationship.
Q: Do you feel like dating apps are socially acceptable to meet guys on?
A: I definitely think that using dating apps is totally okay. I think it's probably not going to be where you meet your husband, but, hey, you never know! I do think it is a great place for you to 'practice' dating. Everyone needs practice on how to casually date. Think of dates and dating like job interviews. Just like they recommend in college, you shouldn't interview for your dream job first. So don't go on a date with your dream guy right away if your dating skills are a little rusty.
Why is this SO important? For one, you can practice holding 'small talk' awkward conversations. The more practice you have chit-chatting with socially-inept Bumble dates, the better you will be able to let conversations flow seamlessly with Mr. Perfect. For two, this will get out any jitters and nerves you may have, so you won't look like a jumpy, bumbling idiot. And for three, free dinner. (Yup, casual dating is v fiscally responsible).
About 4-ish years ago, I had just broken up with this guy. I was so ready for that relationship to end that I jumped on Bumble almost immediately. I matched with this HOT guy. He was legit perfect. Good looking, smart, funny, etc. Now, I'm a sociable person so holding a convo wasn't an issue. The issue was that after we had gone out, I was literally a stage-five clinger. I just jumped on the first warm blooded human I met and was instantly all "BE MY BOYFRIEND" with him. Like, ew. Who was I? I scared him off. End of story. Don't be like me in 2015.
I highly suggest going on as many dates as humanly possible because it is going to let you figure out what you like what you don’t like and in the long run figure out what you want exactly in a partner.
Q: How do you handle guys who "don't want a relationship right now?" How can you make them want one?
A. Ok, so this can be complicated because it's extremely situational. Quite a few of y'all asked this so I'm going to answer this assuming that said men are guys who you are casually 'dating' and like you (because I got a few fuck buddy conversion questions as well that I will answer later in the post).
So let's say this is a guy you have been talking to for a while, and y'all are basically "dating" but when push comes to shove, he can't lock it down. BEEN THERE, SIS. To avoid this situation from the get-go, I strongly suggest to make your own intentions clear from the start, that way there is no reason for a harder conversation later on.
In this situation, take a step back to evaluate your situation:
Does he treat you like a girlfriend? Not just via text, but in person. Does he initiate texts/plans or are you always the one to start it up? Does he take you on dates? Invite you out with his friends, co-workers, fam, etc? Does he talk to you about a future? About what your life will be like together? And not just in a superficial fantasy way, but in a real way?
If all of these (or most) were answered with 'yes' then you are in luck.
Story Time: At one point I had started seeing this guy. HE was the one who seemed to be pushing things along from the start. I was VERY content being single, but I got nothing but relationship vibes from him. About a month after meeting, he asked me to his family thanksgiving. I said yes, but this did prompt me to start the "what the hell are we?" conversation. Much to my surprise, he told me that he wasn't sure he was looking to be in a relationship. My reaction: "What-in-the-literal-fuck are you talking about?" LOL. I was dumbfounded. As we delved a bit deeper into the conversation, I came to realization that it wasn't that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, it was that he wasn't ready to give up his Single Card. (UM, bro, you think I want to give up mine? HA). Long story short, I made sure to make it clear to him that I wasn't someone he could live with, but rather, someone he couldn't live without.
My best piece of advice is to start the conversation, but don't expect to have it end with a solid result. This will take some time. Make sure you are clear with him that you either want to be together or that you need to move on. We are not wasting our time with men in 2019, ladies. Make sure he's aware of what he would be giving up if he did decide to not make it official. If he chooses to let you go, then he is a dumbass. But, just wait... grab a member of your roster (see above) and stay busy. Chances are he'll be back... especially if you're funny, good in bed, and can cook. (More on this under 'How to make him fall helplessly in love with you?")
Q: Is it ok to fuck on the first date?
A: This is 2019. It's your body and you can do whatever you want with it. I think it's very situational. I have held out at times which resulted in both a relationship and nothing, and I have hooked up the first night and with the same results. I think either is socially acceptable at this day and age. The most important thing is to do what you're comfortable with, because there is nothing worse than feeling guilty after doing something you weren't ready for.
Q: What's the best way to get over an Ex?
A: In my opinion, focusing on yourself will work wonders.
Step 1: Make yourself feel fucking amazing. Go buy new makeup. Get a spray tan. Buy a killer outfit. Take a hot-ass selfie.
Step 2: Download a dating app. Not that you need it, but it helps get you back out there.
Step 3: Talk to as many men as humanly possible. Why? Because you can. And they will tell you that you're pretty.
Step 4: Find an awesome workout that makes you feel amazing (mentally and physically). Yes, I mean one of the fancy boutique ones where you are paying for a workout + therapy session in one. I highly recommend Pure Barre and Cyclebar. Why is that last part important? Because you will look great, and feel even better. It's keeping you busy, and basically forces you to engage with new girls who probably know lots of hot, single men. And, if you run into your ex, your ass will look amazing.
Q: How to deal with an Ex who keeps popping back up?
A: BLOCK THEM.
Q: What do you look for in a partner?
A: I need someone who is very genuine, and open with me communication wise. I love funny people and definitely need someone who understands and appreciates my sense of humor. I look for thoughtful, caring, and compassionate people who ultimately would be good "care takers." I like confidence, integrity, and loyalty. Respect is a MUST for me. I need whoever I am with to respect me as a human being-- be courteous of myself, my time, my feelings, my body, and my space. I like someone who has a sense of faith, and is able to be reflective on themselves and situations, in the same way that I am.
Also, they have to be tall, with a really big... heart.
Q: I've been talking to a guy on and off (that I haven't met in person) for about two weeks, and all of a sudden he drops off the face of the earth. What's the deal?
A: Mmmmmk. Listen up, ladies. This is an important lesson whether you know them in real life or not: The worst mistake I see girls make is being "all in" WAY too fast. My friend Bri calls this "Mental Masturbation."
What is Mental Masturbation? WE HAVE ALL DONE IT. It’s like you meet or start talking to a guy and all then sudden you start thinking about what your name sounds like with his last name and what your wedding is going to be like. GIRL, STOP! That is ridiculous! Calm yourself. Go take a breather, step back and realize that you just met him! You are not dating & you mean nothing to this guy. He might as well be a stranger to you. This is more than likely not your next husband. Keep yourself within reality.
And the very harsh reality of this situation is that, more than likely, he's working with his own roster too. Guys aren't normally fans of "Pen Pals" and even though you may be the hottest babe in his contact list, he still hasn't met you, so you may as well be a figment of his imagination. Or, he may have gotten a girlfriend. Sad, but true.
Q: What should I do when I realize my long term relationship is going no where?
A: Stop wasting your precious time and break up with him. Even if he is a great guy, it doesn't mean he is the right guy for you.
Q: How do I turn my fuck buddy into a boyfriend?
A: I would be bullshitting you if I said that it was impossible to turn a fuck buddy into a relationship, but it is definitely situational. In my opinion, there are a few different types of fuck buddies: You have ones that are the ones you call when you're hammered and want the D, but typically don't see (or want to see) outside of that. There are the ones that are extreme fuck boys, where their only true redeeming quality is between their legs. These are the 'send nudes' and 'wyd' guys. And then there are the ones that are like your homies-- you can go to their place and chill in sweats and watch a movie, have sex with them, laugh about the foreign substance he got in your hair and then give a fist pump to on the way out. THESE ones are the ones that you want to try to turn into the boyfriends. You have an established friendship with this person, and they say you should marry your best friend, right? If it is a "bro-out" fuck buddy situation, the key is to make it clear that you aren't just trying to use him for the D anymore. Maybe start with hinting at the fact that you dig him-- compliment him, flirt with him, etc. If he still isn't catching on, then just have the conversation with him. If y'all are comfortable enough to see each other naked, you should be comfortable enough to have a conversation.
Q: How do you make a guy fall hopelessly in love with you?
A: While I don't hold every secret to the universe, I do happen to have the ability to pull this one off. I don't mean to do it intentionally... but, it happens. I had a guy say to me once: "This is what you do, Heather, you just make guys fall in love with you and then walk away."
We had been seeing each other for like a month...
So, while I can't say for sure that this will work for everyone, this is typically my M.O.
1. Look like the hottest version of yourself at all times around this man. Be cute in your "ugly" snaps to him. Wear sexy PJ's around him (but not full on lingerie right now--don't be a Try Hard). Even be pulled together when you're just lounging around the house. The idea is to make him think that you always are flawless, and not the homeless gremlin that usually inhabits your home when he's not around.
2. Start everyone in the friend zone. I almost always do this. I treat them all like "bro's." Like yes, it's still okay to flirt, but get your 'cool girl' points in where you can. Eat nachos instead of a salad. Chug a beer. Talk sports (if you know sports). Be hilarious and witty. Just act like you are their buddy. This shows them that not only are you hot, but you have a personality, and are someone they want to hang with and could deal with long term.
3. Be a tease. While it's 2019 & you can do whatever you want, guys will go apeshit if you are hot AF, fun as shit, and are giving them the worst case of blue balls they've ever had in their life (sorry, not sorry). You can ask friends of mine, my former M.O. was to flirt with a man all night, throw back drinks, have the most fun ever, eat pizza, bring him home, strip down to nothing but my underwear and then... fall asleep. LOL. Yep, a naked girl next to you in bed all night. I have guys I've done that to who literally will STILL hit me up.
4. Be fantastic in bed. Once you finally cave and "let him have it" you need to make sure that it was worth this mans wait. Highly recommend reading up on what a Gluck Gluck 9000 is. Your boyfriend can thank me later for pointing you in this direction.
5. Play housewife. Cook a bomb-ass breakfast. Make the best dinner you know how. Pull out grandma's chocolate chip cookie recipe. It amazes me how many girls don't know how to cook. I know any ex of mine can attest, that I'm a great cook. By age 25, as a woman, you should have at least a handful of recipes that you know by heart that you can whip up at any time. He will go bonkers if you pick up after him here and there as well. Not that you need to do any of those things, but it does stamp "wife material" across your forehead.
6. Never give him your 'ALL.' Keep him on his toes a bit. Don't become too available for him. Maybe turn on your read receipts and let him squirm a bit. It will draw him in even more if he has to do a little chasing.
When you show him this rare-breed mix of unicorn that you are, he will literally be freaking out and looking for rings right then and there.
Q: Do you act like you don't know when a guy is trying to play you? Or call him out?
A: Again, this is very situational. Are you dating? Are you just talking? For me personally, in either situation, I like to make sure I have all cards in hand before bringing anything up. I'm a very calm person and can hold in my emotion while I collect the evidence I need. Think of it like a court case, you can't convict someone of being guilty without proof. I like to make sure I have all of the answers before going to the person. But that's just me, and I'm one of those FBI-level psycho's.
If you aren't dating, I would only call them out on playing you if you're a total angel. Typically, when I reflect on a situation where we aren't official, and I'm bitter because I found out the guy I'm talking to is talking to other girls, I normally have to take a step back and remember that I am just as guilty as the guy for playing the field, so I don't really have room to talk or be angry. The best way to avoid this situation is clear communication as to where y'all stand. No feelings can get hurt when you're being honest with each other.
If you are dating and he's playing you, compile all of the evidence you have against him, prepare your opening and closing arguments, and welcome your boyfriend to a live-action episode of Law & Order because he's on trial, bitch. DUN-DUN.
Q: How can you tell if a guy actually likes you or if he just wants to be friends?
A: Has he tried to put his wiener in or around your personal space? LOL jk jk (kind of). But honestly, guys are pretty straight forward. You should be able to pick up on subtle signs. If he's reaching out to you (snaps, replying to your Insta-stories, texts, etc.) no matter how platonic they may seem, he's still a dude and you're still a chick, and chances are, given the opportunity, he would pounce on you like a cheetah in the wild. Pay attention to the context of what he's saying though. If it's superficial things, he probably just wants to bone. But if he's trying to get to know you, and trying to spend time with you, he probably does really like you and have an interest in you.
Q: Where should I meet a man in Nashville?
A: Any where but Broadway. lol This goes for almost any city, but if you're looking for quality men, I would highly recommend not searching in bars (not that you may not find a good guy there-- because you never know). But I think entering into other social settings outside of the bars is a great idea (church, the gym, volunteer work, etc).
One of the best things my friends and I did for each other in Houston was had monthly 'house parties.' We did Friendsgivings, ugly sweater parties, birthdays, etc. We even had a "Singles Awareness" (Valentine's Day) Party and we all invited random people from Bumble that were all "fair game." The point is, our small group of 10-15 friends that would always hang out, would invite totally new people from outside of the circle, and allowed us to meet so many new guys. I highly recommend getting your friends together and inviting people from outside of the circle.
Make it an open invite. The more the merrier.
Well folks, I really loved writing this. I have been asked for it a million times over and I honestly think I want to do more things like this. If you have more questions, please send them my way.
I love you guys and can't thank you enough for how awesome and encouraging you all have been. I pray that every single one of you finds the man of your dreams, or at least someone awesome to spend Valentine's Day with, but more importantly, I hope you walk away from this feeling empowered. The biggest issue we have as women is not remembering that we do have control over our relationship status, and we can be the ones to call the shots.
Take time to learn who you are, and always remember to love yourself first.